Wednesday, July 27, 2011

pert near sayonara

it is so hard to believe that im really sitting here thinking about next week and next week does not involve sitting at this desk, being on this island, speaking japanese or even being in japan at all.  and neither does the week after that or even the month after that.  in fact, there is nothing in the near future that will have to do with japan at all and there wont be now in the foreseeable future at all.  my heart is just torn.  living here and doing this all consuming job has been one of the greatest challenges of my life, yet being here and doing this job has meant giving up many of the greatest loves in my life as well.  though i have grown to love this place and these people as home, there is a voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me that moving on is the right thing right now.  i am doing my best to listen to it in spite of the fact that every movement towards leaving feels heavy and sad, every goodbye feels surreal and every last meal, walk, ride, swim, run, sunset ect feels like i wish it would go on forever.  i am doing my best to imprint these people, places and things into my memory but there is a fear that i will forget and that time will erase them.  i know many will stay with me forever but i want to remember them all so badly, i want to remain in this little slice of heaven and let my mind marinate in its goodness. 

but, alas, time is marching on and i am preparing to re-enter a world of love and comfort that i have not known in so long.  so long now that i have nearly forgotten how good it can be and so i am anxious to see and feel it again as if for the first time, yet with a residual memory reminding me that it is so good and that i DO want that again.  my mind and my body are warring right now with how to feel and what to do.  i see the piles of things on the floor of my apartment asking to be delivered to Oregon or to new owners here, but moving them into boxes and bags and suitcases is not as easy as it should be.  how do i say goodbye? 

leaving is as scary for me now as leaving was for me two years ago.  its so scary in fact that i know more and more than this IS what i am to do now in life and that i have made the right decision.  when life is this scary there has to be amazing change and opportunity just beyond its haze of thunderclouds and driving rain.  its just that getting through the clouds and the rain isnt easy.  im doing my best to get my little boat to a safe harbor with many people i love in the near future and to zip my rain jacket up to my chin and dig my paddles in just a little bit harder.  moving moving MOVING!  trying to get the momentum going is just not so easy.  i will do it though and continue to do my best in enjoying all of the moments as they come down the line.  after all, there are no ordinary moments in life, remembering that is key to my success now.

onwards and upwards.  here i come!  making my way through the storm of sadness to find the rainbow of lovelies waiting on the other side.  I WILL be seeing, hugging and loving you soon.  ive just got to get these goodbye blues out of the way first. 

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