Thursday, May 26, 2011

a slight return to real life

humpf.  i just deleted the post i was writing here because it was taking too long to figure out how to say what i wanted to say here, so instead of thinking about it too, too, toooooo much im just going to write, as i usually do here.  mistakes and all.  (this is a sign of a badddd writer, when you are lazy to edit yourself.  right?!)

i have 46 days of work left on this little island in my little schools up on the hill.  yup, thats right, i counted them.  less than 50 days to do what i was sent here to do.  have i done it?  have the times when i have felt like ive done it really been to the best of my ability?  is there something that i have missed and should have been doing more of while i was here?  will what i have done here matter to anyone when i leave?  do i really care if it matters to anyone when i leave?  there are obviously loads of questions surrounding my thoughts about my time here now, but all i can do at this point is just work them out slowly as they come one at a time.  one at a time.  that is all that we are capable of after all, right?  why should i try to figure out what all of my time here means in this instant, when i know that i will be figuring it out for the rest of my life bit by bit.  (obviously my brain is kind of in over-drive right now.)

so, less than 50 days left of work and about two months of time here period.  the end.  i will most likely never return to this island.  actually there is a good chance that in my lifetime this island will cease to exist.  the population is just dwindling and there is nothing here for the people to do outside of fishing, and most of those jobs are held by older men who have maybe 20-30 years TOPS left of fishing.  who will take their places?  good question.  i dont think anyone will.  okay, so there is that.  but beside the inevitable demise of this island what am i thinking about naru right now?  how does it feel to know that this place i have called home for nearly two years now is going to be a speck in my rear view sooner than later...?  gosh, it feels so complicated but i know that it should be easy.  i should be saying that time here has been flush with learning experiences about myself, japan, the world and people in general, all things that i am interested in.  but what i am really feeling is this insane need to stop time and take down notes and photos of every little thing that is coming and going in my world now and pin them down into some secret album for to to always return to.  basically i want a portal to be able to come back to this moment in my life forever.  i know its not going to happen, but i cant help but keep thinking how cool it would be if it did.  how, in just two short months from now, will i be able to just get on the boat one final time and say good-bye?  i dont know, but i will.

the feeling i have about leaving here feels a lot like the feeling i had before i left portland to come here.  the nervous stomach at knowing that i am plunging into the land of unknowns; people wont understand the way i talk, the food will be weird, i will have to figure out where/what home is again, the people will be strange.  i already know that the reverse culture shock will be heavy, but i also know that this time there is one big difference; there are people where im heading that love me.  this big thing makes a big difference and that is why i know i will be okay.  this is the one thought that is guiding me through these waves of doubt and sadness right now.  it will be so hard to say good bye to all that my life is here, but it will be such a huge relief and release to be back with love surrounding me. 

as the end is coming closer i am finding that there is something simple missing here that i have been missing all along, but i miss with great urgency now; a hug.  thinking of being embraced, really well embraced by someone i know and care about, who knows how to give and receive hugs brings tears to my eyes.  i honestly cant even let myself envision it anymore without loosing my composure.  that is how bad i just wish there was someone to hug around.  its been way too long without that little thing in my life and i NEED it back.  i will never be able to understand how japanese people can go through life with so little physical affection or even interaction, but i do know that i will never take a hug for granted again,  never.

i dont mean for this to sound sad and pathetic, in fact im kind of wondering if i should have written this at all because in reality i am fine.  life is going on and im not dragging myself around or feeling like the world is about to end as it might sound from the last few paragraphs here, but there is just a void that needs to be filled and i know how to fill it, but just cant yet.  i suppose what i am trying to say here is that if you are reading this, you should be boning up on your hugging skills for the next time we meet.  i wont be letting go quickly and there will be great amounts of squeezing involved.  so go ahead and practice a little right now, with the next person you see.  most of you are in places where that isnt a weird thing and you can at least explain why you are doing what you are doing to them.  do it for those of us in the world without that luxury.

i cant wait to luxuriate with you.