it is so hard to believe that im really sitting here thinking about next week and next week does not involve sitting at this desk, being on this island, speaking japanese or even being in japan at all. and neither does the week after that or even the month after that. in fact, there is nothing in the near future that will have to do with japan at all and there wont be now in the foreseeable future at all. my heart is just torn. living here and doing this all consuming job has been one of the greatest challenges of my life, yet being here and doing this job has meant giving up many of the greatest loves in my life as well. though i have grown to love this place and these people as home, there is a voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me that moving on is the right thing right now. i am doing my best to listen to it in spite of the fact that every movement towards leaving feels heavy and sad, every goodbye feels surreal and every last meal, walk, ride, swim, run, sunset ect feels like i wish it would go on forever. i am doing my best to imprint these people, places and things into my memory but there is a fear that i will forget and that time will erase them. i know many will stay with me forever but i want to remember them all so badly, i want to remain in this little slice of heaven and let my mind marinate in its goodness.
but, alas, time is marching on and i am preparing to re-enter a world of love and comfort that i have not known in so long. so long now that i have nearly forgotten how good it can be and so i am anxious to see and feel it again as if for the first time, yet with a residual memory reminding me that it is so good and that i DO want that again. my mind and my body are warring right now with how to feel and what to do. i see the piles of things on the floor of my apartment asking to be delivered to Oregon or to new owners here, but moving them into boxes and bags and suitcases is not as easy as it should be. how do i say goodbye?
leaving is as scary for me now as leaving was for me two years ago. its so scary in fact that i know more and more than this IS what i am to do now in life and that i have made the right decision. when life is this scary there has to be amazing change and opportunity just beyond its haze of thunderclouds and driving rain. its just that getting through the clouds and the rain isnt easy. im doing my best to get my little boat to a safe harbor with many people i love in the near future and to zip my rain jacket up to my chin and dig my paddles in just a little bit harder. moving moving MOVING! trying to get the momentum going is just not so easy. i will do it though and continue to do my best in enjoying all of the moments as they come down the line. after all, there are no ordinary moments in life, remembering that is key to my success now.
onwards and upwards. here i come! making my way through the storm of sadness to find the rainbow of lovelies waiting on the other side. I WILL be seeing, hugging and loving you soon. ive just got to get these goodbye blues out of the way first.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
im leaving this picture small to retain some of its clarity, so sorry yet again about the photos here. this whole trip to this part of the island was unplanned but i was glad to be there anyhow.
this is hands down the coolest garden on this island. this guy (and i know its a guy, cause he showed up about two minutes after i took this picture to make sure i knew it was his. ohhhhhh!) has labored long and hard to collect all of these buoys from the sea and hang them carefully around his plants. i was in awe. this is just the first plot of his huge garden. there were three more like this just to the right of this one. cheers for creativity in surprising places.
for some reason i had never seen this tori on the island before. maybe because it is on the way ne side of the island that i dont get to much. that fact was made obvious while i was out there this day taking pics with my phone and every little old lady in the neighborhood slowly started coming out of her house to see me and ask me what i was doing there. it was pretty funny, but i was glad to talk with them and happy to know that they are still the curious old ladies that i have been meeting for the last two years here.
i cant believe that i am almost done with two years. where did they go?
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The following variation of the story of Tanabata is known in China and Japan: A young farmer named Mikeran discovered on his farm a robe which, unbeknownst to him, belonged to a goddess named Tanabata. Soon after, Tanabata visited Mikeran and asked if he had found it. He lied and told the goddess that he hadn't but would help with her search. Eventually the pair fell in love, were wed and had many children. However, one day Tanabata noticed a piece of cloth which had once belonged to her robe on the roof of Mikeran's hut. His lie discovered, Tanabata agreed to forgive him on the condition that he weave a thousand pairs of straw shoes, but until that time, she would leave him. Mikeran was unable to weave the shoes in his lifetime and thus never met Tanabata again. However, it is said that the pair meet once a year when the stars Altair and Vega intersect.
Sasa no ha sara-sara (笹の葉 さらさら)
Nokiba ni yureru (軒端にゆれる)
Ohoshi-sama kira-kira (お星様 キラキラ)
Kingin sunago (金銀砂子)
The bamboo leaves rustle,
shaking away in the eaves.
The stars twinkle;
Gold and silver grains of sand
i will always keep the memory of these children as they were this morning; busy minds working over the present, quiet hearts contemplating the future and eyes that were asking the world for kindness. it is my Tanabata wish that they will find this kindness and so much more in life. it is my Tanabata wish that this beautiful country will rise from the hardships we have faced this year and find new ways to thrive. it is my Tanabata wish that safety and health will follow those i love and me as we journey on through this magical thing called life.
make a wish and see it through, you never know it might come true...
love to you all out there.