what'd you do to end up here?

"everything that i said i'd do, gunna make the world brand new...and the world spins madly on..."

packing always helps me find a little bit of clairity. though it is fleeting, is is nice to have something to concentrate on that is mundane and requires only making small, innocent choices. what to wear, what to wear, what to wear...simple. i'm enjoying making choices that won't have long term, lasting affects right now.

what i'm not getting better at is good-byes. i've had my first round with them as of yesterday. saying good-bye to my kids and the staff at my school was tough. i had to fight back tears half a dozen times and a few times i let sadness take over for a moment or two before regaining composure and getting on to the next good-bye. that chapter is over in my life now, those kids and i will never have that time back and that can be hard to think about, so instead i'm choosing to remember the beauty that they have brought to my life and the ways in which we all changed and learned together these past nine months. it's just astounding to me that such strong connctions can be fostered between people in what to me seems like such a small amount of time. astounding really that those children trusted and relied on me as they did. i love them each in unique ways as we all require unique love and thougtfullness from eachother. i did my best to foster learning in each of their minds as it was fit for them and tried with love and patience to help them on their journeys towards being productive people in this world. i wish them all the best and can say to them without a doubt that following their dreams is always the right choice in life. i believe so much in who they are and what they all can be and hope that they too will see their own potential and carry their dreams unto fruition.

and it is because of a dream that i am drawing nearer to good-byes that will make getting on an airplane back here in a few weeks very, very hard. though the dream is what is guiding me through all of this, there are times when i wonder if i am out of my mind for following it so steadfastly and without question. it's just that my dream of living and adventuring abroad is so clear in my mind, clearer than most anything else at this point, it seems to be the only logical thing to do right now, and so i must...

lonliness with begin to become a more and more familiar feeling in these bones of mine as these few months tick by and i'm okay with that. i'm actually looking forward to the lonliness as messed up as that sounds, but i know that in it i will have to grow and create and i'm ready to connect with me again in a full and complete way that i have not been able to do for so long. i'm ready for it all. i've been waiting on this a long time now.